how to pick a friend

Dear Bean,

I have no doubt that you'll have your pick of pals throughout your life, as genetics have already determined that you'll be irresistible. Er, or kind of prickly and difficult. Well, whatever. Both your dad and I have managed to find some good friends, so it's possible for anyone to be loved. How's that for reassurance?

I have spent the last 34 years fine-tuning the art of finding good friends and I finally feel as though I know some things. For the first many, many years of my life, I thought that friends happened or they didn't. You have luck or you don't, and that's the way it goes. I thought that was true about prettiness too, until I realized not so long ago that how attractive I am is all about me, myself and not about my ass or my hair color. I think the same thing is true of friends. I like to think that I can tell something about myself by my friends-- maybe I like to think that because my friends are the smartest, prettiest, funniest friends so maybe it's rubbed off on me.

The tough thing about friends is the balance between knowing how much to sacrifice for the sake of a friendship and how much/little bullshit you'll power through in order to keep a friend. The older I get, the more chances I have to lose friends to time, distance, new relationships, family, etc. But I also get the chance to make decisions about who I keep close and who I let go-- or walk away from.

In the past few weeks, I've thought about this in a really serious way. As I get ready for you to be born, I feel like I need to rally the troops or, at least, take inventory. It's as important for me to have my friends involved in your life as it is to have biological family involved. I believe, as I hope you come to know, that family can be chosen. I feel both lucky and smart when I look at who is crazy enough to call me a friend. Let me give you a few pointers that my friends have taught me about how to find the bestest of friends...

• Look for someone who has room for friends. I have had my heart broken by desperately wanting to be friends with someone who wasn't on the market. (Same goes for romance, sweetheart, but I hope that doesn't ever happen to you)
• Pick a friend who either doesn't gossip, or does it with care. If she's shitty to her "best friend," she'll sure as hell be shitty to you.
• You don't have to have much in common with a friend-- sometimes the friends who are truest are the friends who are the ones you "get" the least.
• Be friends with someone who teases and can be teased.
• It's normal to lose a friend with whom you have only a few things in common. It might be amazing that you both love your 19th Century Architecture class, but then can't find a damn thing to say when you go out for a beer.
• Have at least one close friend with whom you don't work or go to school.
• Don't be afraid to be friends with someone prettier/smarter/cooler/richer than you.
• Be afraid of being friends with someone significantly funnier than you, unless s/he laughs (hard, and for real) at your jokes.
• A true test of a long-term friendship is if you can stay in a hotel room together and have fun.
• Ditto the above and add "drive across the country together."
• The best friend you'll ever have is the one who isn't afraid to talk about: poop, vaginas, her fears, her parents, her body hair, and money (in an honest way).
• Dump a friend who intentionally embarrasses you in front of others.
• A good friend will, eventually, be willing to talk about your friendship and what it means and how it works.
• A good friend understands why you're an asshole sometimes and is willing to stick around. (You'll need to learn about apologies too, if you want to be a good friend)
• A good friend apologizes without qualifiers.
• Friends ask about the things that are important to you: your job, school, your health, your significant other, your kid, where you got that cute bag.
• When your friend is thrilled for what you achieve, she really loves you. When your friend sulks at your achievements, she's an insecure beast and should be kicked to the curb.
• If your friend tells you she's a little jealous, include her in celebrations and be grateful that she's honest.
• If you always have to worry if she's mad at you, she's no good for you.
• Don't be afraid to be hugged. Don't be afraid to hug or to give gifts or buy her lunch or make her a treat. If she loves your necklace and you don't care so much about it, give it to her. Be friends with people who aren't afraid to receive.
• Don't expect stuff in return, but be friends with people who give what is valuable to them (time, support, cookies)
• Trust a friend who makes an effort to like your family and your significant other. Pick a friend who sticks through times when those people are idiots to you, and supports you, listens, and understands why you still love them.
• No matter how bitchy your mom can be, she still wants to think you'd pick her as a friend. Pick her-- she's one of the very few friends who think you're the prettiest, smartest girl in the whole class.
• Your dad may be the best friend you ever get. No guy will ever love you like him and he'll always be on your side, even if he's not so good at showing you that. He's also the best hugger, bar none, of anyone you know, except your grandpa.

And so, Bean, as usual I have too much to say with very little substance. Be wise, but don't be afraid-- you've got lots of your mom's friends who have your back even when you might feel little and alone.

Love, your ma.