What are you doing? (asked while watching the other guy doing something obvious)
What are the dogs doing? (asked while watching the dogs nap, sit, or eat)
Do you smell that? Who did that? (asked about every 20 minutes)
What's wrong with your dog? (asked any time)
Why does your dog look like an exploded marshmallow? (re: Poeia)
Why does your dog like to kill children? (re: Whoobie)
Most of the questions incorporate the royal "we," which is always applied to the dogs:
What are we doing? (asked when a dog is doing something stupid and/or annoying)
Why do we snore so damn loud?
Why are we so bad? (asked any time)
Why can't we SHUT THE FUCK UP? (re: Poeia)
A few highlights from yesterday, which explore some deviations from the usual routine questions:
Why are we licking the cable outlet?
Why are there chickens in the neighbor's yard? (an amazing detour from the usual: a whopper of a conversation starter)
Standard answers to standard questions (most of these will work with any question-- mix and match, if you will):
- Because we're bad
- Because we're retarded
- Because we're idiots
- Because we're cute
- Because it tastes good
- I'm baking a cake
- Because she's a circus sideshow
- Because the neighbors might want some fresh eggs
- Because she likes the taste of children's blood
- Yes
- Yes
- No
- Because you're crazy
This might not be troubling if we weren't faced with the prospect of raising a child soon. It turns out that I think most people converse in their homes in this thing called complete sentences and they might use diverse vocabulary. I'm also thinking that these people might use more sophisticated communication techniques than a system of gibberish that we use more often than we do the above phrases (transcription of this sub-language, though attempted, doesn't translate well onto the screen).
At least the kid will be well-versed in the Fuck Lexicon (all the grammatical variations of "fuck"). We tend to slip into a 70% "fuck" speech-content when any emotion is involved. Especially TV-oriented emotion (ie. local news and The Wire). I don't care what anyone says (ie. my mom and my high school English teachers), being able to communicate with a 70% fuck content is impressive. My educated guess is that most people (outside of Utah) operate on less than a 5% content and only when really jacked. Come on, use your imaginations, people.
Now that I've laid it out, I think I'm feeling sort of proud. At least the kid will know some really important words: Fuck, Chicken, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Dog, Fuck, Retarded, Fart, Fuck, Fuck.
Dude, that's awesome.
xoxoxo---k
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