It's not that I haven't been in following situation before many times, thinking similar thoughts, but there were a few minutes last night that made me want to rob a bank so I can afford a nanny. I'll wait on that project because, surely, an enormous (there is no question that with TD as dad, I'll be HUGE) pregnant bank robber would be impossible to track down and I want to wait until I'm as inconspicuous as possible.
So anyway, I was in throes of the aforementioned painful gas and evil nausea, about to end my shift at work when I was handed a tiny baby. Who was crying. And wanting to be fed. And hating the way I held him. And was just, generally, a pretty hateful infant. I wanted to go home so badly, I needed to tend to a few little tasks in the office, and I was hijacked by a squawking tree monkey. I thought the typical things (why does this thing hate me, thank god this kid isn't mine, thank holy jesus I can leave him here, why can't the tree monkey just respect my need to put him in a sound-proof drawer, etc.) and also I was like, fuck, I'm screwed.
I don't have a single nice thing to say as I reflect on this situation. I do not want a tree monkey, I do want the option to push the mute button, I do not want a full time position. What I'm looking for is a 3/4 time job with vacation, sick, and personal days. And I'd like the pay to be comensurate with education level and experience.
I'm terrified it's twins.
xoxox
k
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2 comments:
oh hush, don't you remember, twins is MY curse. The one laid on my subconscious as early in my life as possible. Twin brothers. Twin cousins. DOUBLE cousins! (Which happens when one set of identical twins married another set of identical twins) I'm doooooomed.
But the truth is, the bean IS yours. The bean will be soothed by your voice, the bean will know s/he is loved by mommy. And besides, the flood of mommy hormones will be very soothing, I've heard. When your body kicks over into maternal mode and everything seems to make some level of sense that it never did before with other peoples screaming tree monkeys.
I like the sound proofed drawer idea. Shall we pitch it to Babies R Us?
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